ZULU: All right Amarula, it’s time you accepted that I get to share the backyard with you. There is more than enough space for everyone to have a good time. Now let’s prove to mom that we are mature and can act like adults by hanging out without a fight.
ZULU: It’s only fair that I get to enjoy lying in the grass and smelling the fresh summer air too!
ZULU: Now look how well we’re doing!
ZULU: Isn’t this fun!??
ZULU: You’re awfully quiet over there Amarula. What ‘cha doing?
ZULU: Oh, that’s good. You’re just washing up.
AMARULA: Yep. Just want to make sure that my claws are nice and clean and in working order.
ZULU: What do you mean working order? You seem awfully close Amarula!
AMARULA: Now, Listen carefully. Here’s the deal. You must stay at least an arm’s length away from me if you don’t want to get up close and personal with my claws.
AMARULA: You know what, make that two arm’s lengths away! Nope, still not far enough. I’m gonna push on you with all my might and that’s as close as you are ever allowed to get!
AMARULA: Just a little farther…
AMARULA: Ah oh! The human is watching us. She is yelling something about how I must be nice to you! You don’t need to hear that nonsense!
ZULU: I’m out of here! You just can’t play maturely Amarula!
AMARULA: Alone at last!
AMARULA: Labour!?? I’m against it. I get Frodo to do all my chores! But I always dress up on Labor Day; what can I say, I look great in a tie.
FRODO: Goody Goody!! Labour Day is here! Amarula is always nice enough to let me do her chores! I love working! You get to meet all sorts of people. And mom always gives me a treat when I wear a tie. Yummy!
FRODO: Oh no! Where did I put my briefcase? Amarula is going to kill me if I lost those files on the best way to catch a squirrel! Well, there’s only one thing to do when a crisis arises on the job…
FRODO: Sometimes you just gotta sleep on the job!
ZULU: Labour Day?! I love it! I get to wear all these very bespoke outfits that really capture my fashion-forward side. It drives the ladies crazy!
ZULU: But I think I may have this tie all wrong! Why did I trust Amarula to help me put it on!? She told me it is supposed to go this way! Assistance!? I need assistance here!
ZULU: Ah…much better. What do you think of this pose? This is my powerful yet sensitive, brooding lawyer pose (ladies love fat cat lawyers). I’m a feline-rights advocate in the middle of a tough case trying to get equal rights for cats by insisting that all parks with off-leash dog zones must also have fenced-off feline-only areas. Though I’ve made some headway, the court is really fighting me on my insistence that all cats be armed with tasers and be allowed to zap any dog that comes to close to our feline-only perimeter. Lady Justice is a harsh mistress! OK Costume change!
ZULU: Ah yes, the simple flower. This is my modern interpretation of a cravat. Men don’t just have to wear ties anymore!
ZULU: It says to the ladies that I am comfortable with my feminine side.
ZULU: I am tough yet tender. And maybe just a little shy. Oh and it doesn’t hurt that the yellow really shows off my smooth-as-silk chocolate fur…
AMARULA: Can someone please shut that cat up?! Why is he still talking? And who would ever wear a flower collar to work?!?! What does any of this have to do with Labour Day?? He is really putting the BORE in Labour Day!
ZULU: Shut up Amarula! Labour Day only happens once a year! OK, next costume change!
ZULU: At last, my other lawyer look. I stare down the jury with my mysterious, intelligent gaze.
ZULU: Finally, the end of the trial nears…I let loose a deep sigh as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Then I slowly look up to the jury and yell: You can’t handle the truth!
ZULU: The court is in an uproar! The men are shouting, while the ladies swoon. Of course, I win the case, and yet I am humble in the face of victory.
ZULU: OK I’m ready for my cognac and cigar! Frodo…Frodo where’s my cigar and cognac?! Is that cat sleeping on the job again!?
FRODO: Oh no! I can’t remember where I put Zulu’s cognac and cigars!! I forgot that Labour Day can be quite stressful!
AMARULA: Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I predicted that Frodo and Zulu were just too young to handle the responsibility that comes with having your very own catnip patch in your backyard (well, MY backyard technically–no matter what the human says– but you know what I mean). I told the human that only I should be allowed to play among the catnip’s lush leaves. I knew that only I was mature enough to explore its sweet, intoxicating nectar without becoming a victim of its trance-inducing side effects. Some were not so lucky…
AMARULA: Zulu, believing that bathing himself in catnip made him more appealing to the ladies, was the first to go
AMARULA: It isn’t pretty, is it?
AMARULA: Frodo lasted a bit longer, his youth (and I would argue, his lack of IQ) gave him a higher tolerance for the catnip’s hallucinogenic affects.
AMARULA: But eventually, he too fell victim to the herb’s siren call of stupefaction.
AMARULA: Feel free to look away, dear readers! It is quite appalling. Don’t let this happen to your beloved felines!!
AMARULA: And finally, where once a proud herb stood lush and tall, there is now only desolation and the faint smell of cat tears!
FRODO: Ah! There is nothing like the smell of fresh catnip in the morning. I am so glad mom planted it in her garden.
FRODO: Oh oh.
ZULU: What ya doing Frodo? You know that is my patch of catnip, right?
FRODO: Didn’t we agree to share?
ZULU: I love ya like a brother but that’s my ‘nip. You have three seconds to skedaddle.
FRODO: One leaf…Can’t I just have one leaf?
ZULU: Say Uncle Frodo!
FRODO: OK OK! Uncle!
ZULU: Mine all mine!…oh oh…
AMARULA: What ya doing Zulu? You know that is my patch of catnip, right?
FRODO: Doh-di-doh, doh-di-doh…I love my leaf pile!
FRODO: It is one of my new favorite places since mom starting letting me go outside on a harness! It has wonderful smells….I just love rubbing in it!
FRODO: The leaves even taste delicious…a delicate hint of mold mingled with old dog urine! Yum!
FRODO: OH OH I think I smell trouble on the horizon!
AMARULA: Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, Feline…I smell an intruder in MY pile of leafs!
FRODO: Oh no! She is coming this way! Maybe if I look down she won’t see me
AMARULA: What are you doing in MY pile of leafs Frodo?!
FRODO: I’m just keeping them warm for you by rubbing around in them, Big sis! Come and join me!
AMARULA: That is never going to happen! Out! Vamoose vermin! I need some “me time” in my leaves!
FRODO: Well I am real sorry about the misunderstanding Sis! Is there anything I can do to make it up to you!?
AMARULA: No just leave!
FRODO: I think I have a good idea how I can best say sorry…
FRODO: Let’s kiss and makeup!!! Yipee!
AMARULA: Well, she’s done it! The human’s really done it! I was minding my own business, having a pleasant day out and about when this orange blob walked by…
It was bad enough having Zulu to contend with but now I have Frodo invading my Feline Fiefdom!
Yep! I’ve tried to be nice. I
tried to have Zulu killed welcomed Zulu with open arms when he joined me outside. But this, this is too much!
How much is one cat expected to endure!!?? Someone call the humane society and report my human!
AMARULA: As you know I hate winter! All that snow means I can’t go outside for many months. So I love when spring arrives and I can once again rule the outdoors! And yes, while spring also means that Zulu gets to join me outside on his harness…yuck…
The real reason I am so happy to see the snow go away and the grass turn green again is precisely because Zulu joins me outside! I get to drive him crazy by standing on his leash so he can’t move or–even better–pulling on his leash so he has to go where I tell him to go!
ZULU: Get off my leash! Mom! Look what Amarula is doing!
AMARULA: Oh glorious spring! Who knew I would love it so when Zulu joins me outside!
FRODO: Well spring is finally here — at least that’s what Amarula and Zulu keep talking about. They sure are excited about finally going outside again now that the snow is gone (even though Zulu has to wear a harness).
FRODO: I must admit it does look very exciting out there!
I can only imagine the adventures I could get up to outside!!
FRODO: I might finally be able to catch that red squirrel that keeps taunting me!
FRODO: Hey Zulu and Amarula when will I be big enough to come join you outside?
AMARULA: Never! The human has no plans to let you outside of the cat containment unit! I heard her saying that even on a harness you would likely get into too much trouble!
FRODO: What’s that you say?!?…but that’s not fair…I really never get to go outside?!?
FRODO: NEVER??!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. Let me out!
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