The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

cats in box 2

Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.


You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!



Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

lullintofalse sense of security


It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

you find them where they hire



The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar

seriously i was going to attack him but now I can't even bother

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

approach in non-threatening manner


Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:


Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
unsuspecting fool


Go!! Hug attack!!!





There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

group hug attack

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Bask in your success

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Cool Cat of the Month: Lou


AMARULA: Though clearly, in the looks department I have no feline rivals, I must admit Lou comes close. She has incredibly soft fur (if you like that sort of thing) and the grace of a ballet dancer thanks to her stumpy…I mean diminutive, stature. She was once a stray who was rescued by her slave human Eric. I took time out of my busy schedule to interview Lou:

AMARULA: How are you enjoying life with your manservant Eric?

LOU: Well, he feeds me and pets me lots, which I approve of, but he has this human female who hangs around a lot and she tends to distract him so he can’t devote every single minute of every single day to me. I am in the process of working out a deal with the neighborhood racoons to see if they can carry her off some night and deposit her in a forest somewhere. We’re still trying to iron out the details. The racoons want to be paid in pounds of garbage and I am trying to convince them to take payment in pounds of hairballs.

AMARULA: Really?!?!

LOU: No, No. I actually like Eric’s gal pal. She pets me lots and seems to accept that I will always be the prettiest female in the room!


AMARULA: What are some of your favorite hobbies?
LOU: Well I like hiding, acting afraid of life so Eric hugs me lots, vomiting up hairballs and playing with my little yellow ducky. I am very very glad he rescued me from life as a stray!


AMARULA: What are your future plans?
LOU: Well, frankly I am a little lonely and would love a handsome companion cat. We will see what the future holds!