BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!
Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.
STEP 1:
You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!
STEP 2:
Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!
STEP 3:
It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!
STEP 4:
The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:
a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar
b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:
STEP 5:
Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:
Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
STEP 6:
Go!! Hug attack!!!
AND AGAIN!
There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques
STEP 7:
The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!
Now everybody go out and practice!!
