FRODO: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!! I think mom got a new kitten!!
Though it sure has a strange tail for a cat! So big and fluffy! And I can’t figure out why mom is not making it wear a harness like me and Zulu have to!
I love having new friends! I can’t wait to introduce myself! Hey! Zulu and Amarula come over here and meet our new sibling! I sure hope he isn’t a lady-killer like Zulu or Zulu is gonna be soooooooooooooo jealous!
Why does he get to eat peanuts and I don’t? I bet he would be willing to share–he looks like the generous type. I can’t wait to get to know this new kitten better! Though I can’t understand why mom seems unwilling to let the poor guy go inside the house!
AMARULA: I have spent the last week wisely gathering clues and
spying on monitoring the suspects closely. Sadly, my attempts to question the potential perpetrators did not go as well as I had hoped…
SUSPECT #1 ZULU:
As Zulu is the most timid cat in the household, I had thought getting him to break under my intense questioning would be easy. I was mistaken. Behind that timidity lies the fearlessness of a lion!
I cornered him in the cat condo and tried to get some answers as to where my toys could possibly be…
Nothing could shake the truth from him. No matter how I threatened and cajoled him he would not fold but merely laughed at my efforts!
SUSPECT #2 FRODO: I got Frodo alone on several occasions and gave him the old stink eye! I was sure he would wither and cave under my menacing stare but he would not be broken!
I even tried an old-school beat down to get him to talk but nothing worked!
He, like Zulu, only laughed at my efforts to get him to talk. Oh the inhumanity!!
SUSPECT #3 VERA the Hairless One:
This mini human is either insanely clever or dumb as a lamp post. I tried to question her but she merely drooled and then spat up on me. She is inscrutable.
SUSPECT #4, 5 and 6 Odin the Dog, the Raccoons and the Squirrels:
Sadly, Odin and his raccoon and squirrel crew were nowhere to be found. They have escaped justice for now! Though frankly I believe the group of them just doesn’t have enough brain power to have pulled off such a heist as stealing all my toys! Alas dear readers, this leaves me in the unenviable position of admitting to you that I have failed. I am just going to go have a long nap now.
I simply do not know who stole my playthings! I fear we shall never know…hey, has anyone seen Frodo around lately…
AMARULA: As you know, squirrels are one of the bane’s of my existence. Out of sheer desperation to rid myself and my territory of those little furry balls of ferociousness, I have actually lowered myself to enlist the aid of yet another bane of my existence: Zulu.
Today the plan is to teach Zulu how to hunt squirrels so that he can help me clear out my beloved backyard (later I will worry about clearing Zulu out!).
Alright Zulu, the first step is to assess the threat level. Look to your right, to your left and into the trees to see where the squirrels are laying in wait:
The next step is to lull them into a false sense of security. Try to look lazy and like you really have no idea what’s going on (which God knows should not be too hard for you…)
Now move about the yard and try to observe your prey. Always try to stay behind them! Don’t let them get behind you!
That’s right, always keep them in sight!
Now follow my lead:
Look how close we are Zulu!
Oh No! They are smarter than I thought! Watch out Zulu! They are going for your leash!
There are too many of them Zulu! You are surrounded! Abort Abort!
AMARULA: OK Zulu. I have to admit you put in a valiant effort. Looks like we’ll have to try plan B: the Peanut Lure. Just hold real still and close your eyes and I’ll take care of everything…
That’s right…trust me Zulu…those squirrels will soon be ours…you won’t feel a thing…
Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis: Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.
When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.
No matter where I try to
hide relax, they find me.
Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.
They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!
To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.
And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…
Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!
AMARULA: Thank goodness! No one explained to me that because winter had indeed returned so too would spring likewise make a welcome reappearance! That means I can leave the house and survey my domain!
You know what the best part of spring is? Not the fresh scent of the air, or mom’s tulips that need chewing but the site of the kittens staring at me jealously through the screen!! Hee Hee
Wait a minute…does the return of spring mean that those nasty squirrels are back too??
AMARULA: Alright, alright. It has come to my attention that there is a rumor going around the cat community in my neighborhood that I have been spotted running FROM a squirrel. I am here to dispel that ridiculous rumor! ME! Running from a squirrel!?? I survived the mean streets of Cape Town, South Africa for years before that human, Sandra, came along and “rescued” me off to Canada. I am certainly not going to turn in terror from a fat and furry rodent with a puffy tail! You can’t imagine the beating my reputation as the feline who put the “tude” in “Tortitude” is taking from these laughable lies! Even mangy “Fragile Frank” the skittish Cornish Rex down the street has taken to laughing and pointing as I strut by!
I will admit the so-called photographic “evidence” of me skedaddling from a squirrel does make it a little more difficult for me to explain my behavior–but explain I will:
Here, in the first photo, what looks to be me frozen in terror is actually me cleverly lulling the rodent into a false sense of security:
Here, now that I have tricked the squirrel into thinking he is safe, I survey the situation and wait for the best moment to attack:
I go into stealth mode, ready for my infamous and deadly I-never-saw-it-coming pounce:
Now in this photo, what APPEARS to be me reconsidering my position and running rapidly towards home, is actually me turning to go after a gang of racoons—much bigger and more aggressive prey that are more worthy of my power-pounce! Sadly, my enemies have cleverly Photoshopped them out of the photo in their scurrilous efforts to defame me! But you can trust me, really! There was a gang of raccoons that I beat into submission and saved the day!