Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

zulusotiresom

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

catfight1

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

ctfight4

Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

i don't think so-i'm boss

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

catfight5

As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ok i give uyp

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

 

It’s Hip to Be Harnessed!

ZULU: For my fans out there (and I know there are millions) wondering whether I am still enjoying life as a semi-outdoor (a.k.a harnessed and supervised) cat, I believe the photos say it all:

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I can run like the wind!

run like the wind

I’m flying!! Try to catch me Amarula! I’m so fast you can’t even see me!!

whee

Well, wait a minute here! This is something worth braking for! Nobody ever told me that the outdoors is filled with lovely ladies who have nothing better to do than give me the attention I so rightfully deserve! Meooooooooooooow!

this never happend to amarula-pretty ladies

 

Leashed and Loving It!

 

zulusotiresom

 

ZULU: As you know, mom has recently been taking me outside

AMARULA: Cats in the know don’t call it “outside” Zulu. It is known as “The Fiefdom of Feline Freedom” or,  better yet, “Amarula’s Domain”…

ZULU: Shhhhhh Amarula! It’s my turn to talk. I have to wear a harness but I don’t mind cause I love being outdoors! Despite my thirst for attention from mom…

AMARULA: You mean your neediness…

ZULU: …And my well-earned reputation as a lady’s man (not only am I incredibly dashing but, though I usually hide from men, I often come out from under the bed to say hi to the ladies!) I can be ever so slightly timid…

AMARULA: You mean neurotic…

ZULU: …As I was saying, I used to think I would never want to leave the house—aka, the cat-containment unit—and go outside, but I am having a great time! I don’t even mind that being outside means I have to spend more time with Amarula!

zuandami

Amarula is even telling me all kinds of secrets about life as an outdoor cat. She said she’s  going to help me get into an exclusive feline club that she’s already a member of: “The Society of Cantankerous & Caterwauling, Unshackled Outdoor Cats.”

secret

Amarula says there’s a special initiation rite I have to pass before becoming accepted. I just have to leave the back yard when mom’s not looking, befriend the German Shepard across the street by eating from his food bowl, go through the Walmart parking lot while avoiding the gang of ne’er-do-well feral cats, then walk 20 blocks and cross a very busy highway with my eyes closed until I reach the cat club house. If I can do all that I will be granted membership into the club!

AMARULA: Finally my plan to get rid of Zulu is coming to fruition… mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha….

whome2

ZULU: Well, I was about to set off when mom found out what Amarula was up to and put a stop to her dastardly plans!

AMARULA: I’m outta here…..

hey what's going on

ZULU: Despite Amarula’s little prank, I still love the outdoors!

 

zulusqui1

 

 

 

Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

exhausted

This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

leahed and loving iut

I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

can'tlookatyou

But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

upandunder

I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

ificlosemyeyesitwillgoaway

But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

take a closer look

I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

my weeds

There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

leash3

…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…
oh wait what's this...if i sit on it... this summer jsut got a lot more interesting

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

leash6

leash2 leash4

i said this way

 

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!

 

The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

cats in box 2

Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.

STEP 1:

You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!

posterior

STEP 2:

Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

lullintofalse sense of security

STEP 3:

It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

you find them where they hire

 

STEP 4:

The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar

seriously i was going to attack him but now I can't even bother

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

approach in non-threatening manner

STEP 5:

Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:

sneakfromunderchair

Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
unsuspecting fool

STEP 6:

Go!! Hug attack!!!

hugattache2

AND AGAIN!

 

hugattack1

There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

group hug attack
STEP 7:

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Bask in your success

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Time for My Human to Die

AMARULA: So dear readers, as you all know, winters in Canada are not exactly my favorite. As a cat born and raised in South Africa for most of my life, cold, snow and ice were things I thought only happened to other felines. Sadly, as much as I love Canada (these guys make the best catnip! What do they put in that stuff? I think it is heavily sprinkled with maple syrup and Canadian bacon!) I still hate the winter season! So I was very excited when spring came around again and I was raring to go outside to terrorize those pesky birds and squirrels. Or at least I was until THIS happened:

 

time formy human to die

My human is making me wear a bright red collar that is best described as a cross between an Elizabethan collar and a clown accessory. Can’t believe your eyes?? Here’s another look:

whymelord
Why me Lord?? Apparently this collar (which is by Birdbesafe [no affiliate link, the human just thinks they deserve a mention]) is supposed to make me more visible to songbirds and hence make it impossible for me to catch any (as if the five bells the Human already had on my collar weren’t making it impossible for me to terrorize my feathered foes!). Sadly, it does indeed seem to be working. I wait by the bird feeder but not a single bird appears!

collarbirdfeeder2

It is also pretty hard to be camouflaged with this thing on!!

collar3

Even those two dunderheaded cats I am forced to share my home with seem to feel the collar makes me more “approachable” and no longer  maintain the 10 foot perimeter around my personal space I had instituted.

notfearme

The collar seems to have also had the unfortunate effect of decreasing my “street cred” with the cats in the neighborhood. No longer do they quiver in fear as I walk by! Worse, my boyfriend down the street, Charlie, took one look at me and turned away! He couldn’t even bear to look at me!!

charlie

charlie2

How can an uncollared cat like Charlie ever fall for a collared cat like me!! It’s the classic thwarted love tale of Romeow and Juliet!! Pray for me!

 

 

Zulu Up to No Good

Sometimes when I hear Amarula crying at the door for mom to let her in, I think of alerting mom to her pleas. But then I remember how Amarula always makes fun of Biltong and me and then I start to caterwaul to drown out Amarula’s cries! Mom thinks I’m a real poet and just love to express myself! Hee hee

zulu laughing

Biltong even helps me caterwaul:

billsinging

 

We are so funny!

billylaughting