AMARULA: As you know from my recent blog post, some cruel beast has been stealing my toys. I have vowed not to rest until the culprit is apprehended and faces the stinging shame of my sharpened claws across his backside (as well as an equally ignominious lashing from the feline-loving dog next door, who has enthusiastically offered to subject the offender to a hundred licks from his slobbery tongue!). I pride myself on my razor-sharp intelligence and therefore I plan to conduct my inquest methodically so as not to miss a single detail. I shall begin by going over the list of possible perpetrators.
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #1: ZULU
Just one look tells you all you need to know about this feckless feline. When he isn’t hopped up on catnip and barely conscious, he is staring at himself in the mirror singing Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” to himself.
Or bathing himself for the 100th time in a day!
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #2: FRODO:
Do I really need to explain my reasons?! Is this not the face of a hardened criminal (or at the very least, a feline with very bad gas!)? Could you really trust a cat who is STILL recovering from too much partying on St. Patty’s day?!?!
And you do not want to know what he got up to at Easter!
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #3: VERA:
I know Frodo likes the young scamp but she’s got trouble written all over her. Don’t let that innocent smile fool you! Besides, I don’t think creatures who crawl should have skin instead of fur! It’s just not natural!
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #4: ODIN:
One of my many nemeses, much like baby Vera, his youth and beguiling features means he is not to be trusted! Enough said!
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #5: the RACCOONS:
They only come out at night and are always in the backyard up to some bad business! They come with their own masks for God’s sake! If they aren’t the ones responsible for stealing my toys, they are certainly guilty of something!!
POSSIBLE SUSPECT #6: the SQUIRRELS:
They are always watching me! Even indoors I am not safe! You all know about my long-standing disputes with these nefarious nut-eaters! They are plotting to ruin me so why shouldn’t they also be plotting to drive me crazy by stealing my toys!
Well not to worry! Over the next few days I shall hide and secretly watch all of the suspects’ every move!
None shall escape my scrutiny! Stay tuned!