Leashed and Loving It!

 

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ZULU: As you know, mom has recently been taking me outside

AMARULA: Cats in the know don’t call it “outside” Zulu. It is known as “The Fiefdom of Feline Freedom” or,  better yet, “Amarula’s Domain”…

ZULU: Shhhhhh Amarula! It’s my turn to talk. I have to wear a harness but I don’t mind cause I love being outdoors! Despite my thirst for attention from mom…

AMARULA: You mean your neediness…

ZULU: …And my well-earned reputation as a lady’s man (not only am I incredibly dashing but, though I usually hide from men, I often come out from under the bed to say hi to the ladies!) I can be ever so slightly timid…

AMARULA: You mean neurotic…

ZULU: …As I was saying, I used to think I would never want to leave the house—aka, the cat-containment unit—and go outside, but I am having a great time! I don’t even mind that being outside means I have to spend more time with Amarula!

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Amarula is even telling me all kinds of secrets about life as an outdoor cat. She said she’s  going to help me get into an exclusive feline club that she’s already a member of: “The Society of Cantankerous & Caterwauling, Unshackled Outdoor Cats.”

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Amarula says there’s a special initiation rite I have to pass before becoming accepted. I just have to leave the back yard when mom’s not looking, befriend the German Shepard across the street by eating from his food bowl, go through the Walmart parking lot while avoiding the gang of ne’er-do-well feral cats, then walk 20 blocks and cross a very busy highway with my eyes closed until I reach the cat club house. If I can do all that I will be granted membership into the club!

AMARULA: Finally my plan to get rid of Zulu is coming to fruition… mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha….

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ZULU: Well, I was about to set off when mom found out what Amarula was up to and put a stop to her dastardly plans!

AMARULA: I’m outta here…..

hey what's going on

ZULU: Despite Amarula’s little prank, I still love the outdoors!

 

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Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

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This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

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I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

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But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

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I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

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But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

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I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

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There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

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…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…
oh wait what's this...if i sit on it... this summer jsut got a lot more interesting

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

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i said this way

 

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!

 

Adjusting to Life Without Biltong

AMARULA: Well, as you know, Biltong recently passed away. Though I had my issues with the little guy, I must admit that his presence is sorely missed. Normally, I have been able to get over feeling blue by indulging in escapist TV or books. Presently, I’m reading the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon (a favorite of mine despite the serious lack of feline leads). But even reading can’t seem help me shake off my melancholy.

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I can’t seem to muster the energy for play time either.

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I just spend all day staring up at the ceiling and pondering the meaning of life.

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ZULU: For once, Amarula and I are on the same page. I am desperately lonely without my best friend Biltong. I hate sleeping alone.

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I just want to hide from the world

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Even sunbeams have lots their warmth!

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For a glorious second I thought I spotted Biltong. The creature had the same open, friendly demeanor and surplus of drool as Little B’, but alas it was only a baby human.

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Amarula and I even find ourselves reluctantly spending time together just cause we are so discombobulated! Sigh! We all miss you Biltong!

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RIP Biltong the Cat, Very loved and Dearly Missed

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ZULU and AMARULA: We are overwrought to announce that Biltong passed away a few days ago from kidney disease. The sadness seems unbearable. It is as though someone has taken away all of our  sunshine.

 

He was only three years old. Mom is heartsick. She used to love when he would “help” her work at the computer.

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ZULU and AMARULA: There are a million reasons we all loved him but here are just a few:

ZULU: He was the best cuddler and hugger in the world!

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ZULU: I will miss the way he used to love eating while warming his bum by the vent. It took so little to make Little B happy.

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ZULU: All he needed to be content was his favorite toy, a sunbeam and a warm cuddle.

seriously just try to take away my toy

 

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Bask in your success

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ZULU: He was so brave! He never gave up on trying to make AMARULA love him (AMARULA: It worked cause I finally came around and did –begrudgingly–love him)

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ZULU: And he was obsessed with packing peanuts!

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ZULU: He was always ready to laugh (especially if it was at Amarula!)

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ZULU: I always admired his ability to sleep virtually anywhere and in any position!

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ZULU: I will miss washing him, too!

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ZULU: He was my big brother and he always took care of me. He is irreplaceablezuandbilkittens kittens zuluandb

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ZULU: I love you Biltong!

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AMARULA: Though I like to tease the little bugger. I will also miss him terribly. I will even miss his hug attacks.

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AMARULA: What do you say if just this once Zulu, I let you cuddle with me.

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We can find some solace in knowing that the little imp has gone to be reunited with Charlie the basset hound and all of Mom’s beloved pets who have gone to the rainbow bridge.

 

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The house (and litter box) will be so empty without you Biltong. Be well little guy. Bless you.

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Biltong is Sick

AMARULA: I know I joke a lot about the kittens, but I kinda like those dolts (after all who would I laugh at if I didn’t have those two to make fun of) and I was sad when the Human told me that Biltong (aka Billy) has been hospitalized for kidney disease.

Poor guy:

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Apparently something called his Urea and Creatine were through the roof! And he has just only turned three years old! The Human is very sad and worried. I hope the hospitalization works to make him a little better and buy him some time.

ZULU: “Do you think Biltong is going to be OK Amarula?”
AMARULA: “I sure hope so Zulu. ”

ZULU: “Can I sit beside you and look out the window while we wait for him and mom (aka the Human) to come back from the animal hospital?”
AMARULA: “Alright. Just this once I promise not to push you off.”

ama and zululooking outside

Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

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AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,”  “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

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They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

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Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.

STEP 1:

You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!

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STEP 2:

Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

lullintofalse sense of security

STEP 3:

It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

you find them where they hire

 

STEP 4:

The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar

seriously i was going to attack him but now I can't even bother

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

approach in non-threatening manner

STEP 5:

Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:

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Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
unsuspecting fool

STEP 6:

Go!! Hug attack!!!

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AND AGAIN!

 

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There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

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STEP 7:

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Bask in your success

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Cool Cat of the Month: Lou

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AMARULA: Though clearly, in the looks department I have no feline rivals, I must admit Lou comes close. She has incredibly soft fur (if you like that sort of thing) and the grace of a ballet dancer thanks to her stumpy…I mean diminutive, stature. She was once a stray who was rescued by her slave human Eric. I took time out of my busy schedule to interview Lou:

AMARULA: How are you enjoying life with your manservant Eric?

LOU: Well, he feeds me and pets me lots, which I approve of, but he has this human female who hangs around a lot and she tends to distract him so he can’t devote every single minute of every single day to me. I am in the process of working out a deal with the neighborhood racoons to see if they can carry her off some night and deposit her in a forest somewhere. We’re still trying to iron out the details. The racoons want to be paid in pounds of garbage and I am trying to convince them to take payment in pounds of hairballs.

AMARULA: Really?!?!

LOU: No, No. I actually like Eric’s gal pal. She pets me lots and seems to accept that I will always be the prettiest female in the room!

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AMARULA: What are some of your favorite hobbies?
LOU: Well I like hiding, acting afraid of life so Eric hugs me lots, vomiting up hairballs and playing with my little yellow ducky. I am very very glad he rescued me from life as a stray!

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AMARULA: What are your future plans?
LOU: Well, frankly I am a little lonely and would love a handsome companion cat. We will see what the future holds!

Feline Deep Thought of the Day

ZULU: Sometimes, though I am generally a lighthearted cat, I…

AMARULA: Don’t you mean light headed??? Hee hee

ZULU: Quiet Amarula this is my DEEP THOUGHT!

ZULU: As I was saying, though I tend to be carefree, sometimes I can become melancholic and a dark mood overtakes me. I stop whatever I am doing and begin to wonder “What is the point of it all…”

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But then I just go looking for my brother Biltong and he hugs me and I feel all better. Hugs are the best

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You can enjoy a good hug anywhere and in any position!

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hug

 

The best is when you combine a hug and a sunbeam! Pure heaven!

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Sometimes Biltong and I get so “hug-drunk” that we even try to include Amarula. Though we have to sneak up on her to give her a hug:

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Then we force our hugs on her!

 

billy ami hug

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But the hugs where we try to get Amarula involved tend to turn ugly pretty fast! I guess she just isn’t into hugs. Too bad, she doesn’t know what she’s missing!

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