Amarula | Hairballs & Hissyfits

Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

August 31, 2015August 31, 2015 by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!

Adjusting to Life Without Biltong

August 14, 2015 by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as you know, Biltong recently passed away. Though I had my issues with the little guy, I must admit that his presence is sorely missed. Normally, I have been able to get over feeling blue by indulging in escapist TV or books. Presently, I’m reading the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon (a favorite of mine despite the serious lack of feline leads). But even reading can’t seem help me shake off my melancholy.

I can’t seem to muster the energy for play time either.

I just spend all day staring up at the ceiling and pondering the meaning of life.

ZULU: For once, Amarula and I are on the same page. I am desperately lonely without my best friend Biltong. I hate sleeping alone.

I just want to hide from the world

Even sunbeams have lots their warmth!

For a glorious second I thought I spotted Biltong. The creature had the same open, friendly demeanor and surplus of drool as Little B’, but alas it was only a baby human.

Amarula and I even find ourselves reluctantly spending time together just cause we are so discombobulated! Sigh! We all miss you Biltong!

RIP Biltong the Cat, Very loved and Dearly Missed

August 31, 2015July 26, 2015 by Amarula

ZULU and AMARULA: We are overwrought to announce that Biltong passed away a few days ago from kidney disease. The sadness seems unbearable. It is as though someone has taken away all of our sunshine.

He was only three years old. Mom is heartsick. She used to love when he would “help” her work at the computer.

ZULU and AMARULA: There are a million reasons we all loved him but here are just a few:

ZULU: He was the best cuddler and hugger in the world!

ZULU: I will miss the way he used to love eating while warming his bum by the vent. It took so little to make Little B happy.

ZULU: All he needed to be content was his favorite toy, a sunbeam and a warm cuddle.

ZULU: He was so brave! He never gave up on trying to make AMARULA love him (AMARULA: It worked cause I finally came around and did –begrudgingly–love him)

ZULU: And he was obsessed with packing peanuts!

ZULU: He was always ready to laugh (especially if it was at Amarula!)

ZULU: I always admired his ability to sleep virtually anywhere and in any position!

ZULU: I will miss washing him, too!

ZULU: He was my big brother and he always took care of me. He is irreplaceable

ZULU: I love you Biltong!

AMARULA: Though I like to tease the little bugger. I will also miss him terribly. I will even miss his hug attacks.

AMARULA: What do you say if just this once Zulu, I let you cuddle with me.

We can find some solace in knowing that the little imp has gone to be reunited with Charlie the basset hound and all of Mom’s beloved pets who have gone to the rainbow bridge.

The house (and litter box) will be so empty without you Biltong. Be well little guy. Bless you.

Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

August 31, 2015July 8, 2015 by Amarula

AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,” “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

August 31, 2015June 21, 2015 by Amarula

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.

STEP 1:

You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!

STEP 2:

Then I like to lull my ~~victims~~ unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

STEP 3:

It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

STEP 4:

The next step is to approach your ~~prey~~ pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ~~ridiculous~~ pretty collar

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

STEP 5:

Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:

Oh the unsuspecting fool!!

STEP 6:

Go!! Hug attack!!!

AND AGAIN!

There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

STEP 7:

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Nemesis of the Month: Zulu

August 31, 2015May 3, 2015 by Amarula

AMARULA: Even with the weather getting nicer and me spending more time outside, the kittens still drive me crazy! Especially Zulu with his constant caterwauling and his efforts to hog the best sunbeams! So my “Nemesis of the Month” award goes to Zulu! I mean just look into those eyes! Is anyone even home??

ZULU: Amarula I am so not amused! You didn’t even capture my good side!

Time for My Human to Die…Again

August 31, 2015December 18, 2014 by Amarula

AMARULA: I believe the outfit says it all.

Winter Has Come Again!?

August 31, 2015December 1, 2014 by Amarula

AMARULA: What’s that you say? This winter thing happens EVERY year?! I wouldn’t have believed it until the snow hit the ground. The cold air and wet snow have relegated me to life indoors again and that means that I am forced to spend time with the kittens. And just as expected, I find them as engaging and intelligent as cardboard. I mean seriously, are we sure these two are even sentient?

I try to hide from them even in mom’s desk (being nincompoops, the kittens don’t like to be near objects associated with the exercise of intellect like desks, books and such)

But no matter where I hide…

They find me…

Nowhere is safe…

Pray for me!

Nemesis of the Month: Furniture

May 17, 2015November 3, 2014 by Amarula

AMARULA: My nemesis of the month is furniture! Not just any furniture, but items that are low to the ground, like sofas and corner-cupboards. So low that you can’t get under them to retrieve your toys and are forced to wait until The Human finally notices all the playthings are missing! When will this human-centric world finally understand the need for feline-friendly furniture!?

Will No One Rescue Me?

August 31, 2015October 25, 2014 by Amarula

…It has been six minutes now that I have been attached to the tree. Clearly another plot of the neighborhood gang of squirrels to kill me. They must have put crazy glue on the tree trunk in an effort to capture me here until I starve to death. It is likely sleep deprivation will spell my end. It has been 10 minutes since my last seven-hour nap and I don’t know how much longer I can last…where is my silly human when you actually need her? Pray for me…