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Crime and Punishment: The Suspects

dissaraydoesnotamuseme

 

AMARULA: As you know from my recent blog post, some cruel beast has been stealing my toys. I have vowed not to rest until the culprit is apprehended and faces the stinging shame of my sharpened claws across his backside (as well as an equally ignominious lashing from the feline-loving dog next door, who has enthusiastically offered to subject the offender to a hundred licks from his slobbery tongue!). I pride myself on my razor-sharp intelligence and therefore I plan to conduct my inquest methodically so as not to miss a single detail. I shall begin by going over the list of possible perpetrators.

 

POSSIBLE SUSPECT #1: ZULU

zulu

Just one look tells you all you need to know about this feckless feline. When he isn’t hopped up on catnip and barely conscious, he is staring at himself in the mirror singing Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” to himself.

sunbeams not warm

Or bathing himself for the 100th time in a day!

zulu cleaning

 

 

POSSIBLE SUSPECT #2: FRODO:

isthatthefaceofaninnocent

Do I really need to explain my reasons?! Is this not the face of a hardened criminal (or at the very least, a feline with very bad gas!)? Could you really trust a cat who is STILL recovering from too much partying on St. Patty’s day?!?!

toomuchpartying

And you do not want to know what he got up to at Easter!

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POSSIBLE SUSPECT #3: VERA:

suspectvera

I know Frodo likes the young scamp but she’s got trouble written all over her. Don’t let that innocent smile fool you! Besides, I don’t think creatures who crawl should have skin instead of fur! It’s just not natural!

 

POSSIBLE SUSPECT #4: ODIN:

odin

One of my many nemeses, much like baby Vera, his youth and beguiling features means he is not to be trusted! Enough said!

 

POSSIBLE SUSPECT #5: the RACCOONS:

racoon nemesis

They only come out at night and are always in the backyard up to some bad business! They come with their own masks for God’s sake! If they aren’t the ones responsible for stealing my toys, they are certainly guilty of something!!

 

POSSIBLE SUSPECT #6: the SQUIRRELS:

suspectsquirrel

They are always watching me! Even indoors I am not safe! You all know about my long-standing disputes with these nefarious nut-eaters! They are plotting to ruin me so why shouldn’t they also be plotting to drive me crazy by stealing my toys!

Well not to worry! Over the next few days I shall hide and secretly watch all of the suspects’ every move!

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None shall escape my scrutiny! Stay tuned!

watchingeverymovezulu

watch

 

My Bathtub’s Dirty Secret!

AMARULA: Many of you may not realize just how much I suffer since Frodo has been added to our feline trio. Being pounced on indiscriminately, my favorite box-of-solitude being appropriated and my privacy in the litter box now a forgotten luxury…..

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Yes, Frodo’s crimes are legion and now he is stealing my toys! I had noticed the disappearance of my favorite ping pong and fuzzy balls since his arrival so, over the last few weeks, I have been forced to stash them in what I thought was the perfect secret spot known only to me (and now you dear readers)…the bathtub!

i thought theyweresafe!

 

I had thought these porcelain walls would hide my beloved baubles, but alas, I was wrong! Over the last couple of days, I have noticed that they are slowly disappearing. So using the advanced online degree in engineering I acquired while the Human was sleeping, I set up a hidden camera to get to the truth of what was happening in MY bathtub. Beware dear readers…the shocking photos you are about to behold are enough to curl your whiskers! Frodo was indeed playing with my toys!

frodoplaying

 

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Shocking–no? But it only gets worse…Not only was Frodo frolicking with my toys, he has been using my porcelain palace to do a bevy of bad acts:

Napping:

nappinmg

Bathing (OK, even I can admit that a bathtub is a pretty good place to self-clean):

bathing

Just looking stupefied as usual…

justlookingstupid

And the most terrible act of all…inviting Zulu to join him for playtime:

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I ask you…have I not endured enough??

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Ah well! It is February 29th and leap year only happens every four years so I will make a once-every-four-years exception…if you can’t beat em, join em!

can'tbeatemjoinem

 

The Idiot Box

AMARULA: Life with Frodo continues to be an incredibly taxing experience. My efforts thus far to frighten him into submission with my superior intelligence, wit and sharp claws seem to have had no effect on the nincompoop, who remains frustratingly cheerful and friendly! Curse that ginger’s gregariousness! But now that imp must be stopped! He has taken to using MY beloved Sour Puss box for his own ends! Though I have clearly said that it is off limits, he continues to sleep, play and just lounge about in it.

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AMARULA: To make matters worse, Frodo even invites Zulu to join him in MY box! I know they get together in there to plot against me!

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try look innnocenrt

ZULU: (in a whisper) Let me guess…Amarula thinks we’re plotting against her again…

AMARULA: Silence you mocha miscreant! Don’t interrupt! But now Frodo has gone too far! He is using my own box against me! Lately, when I approach my cardboard sanctuary innocently planning to catch an eight-hour nap…

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WHAM! He lies in wait and strikes without mercy and scares the bejesus out of me.

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How am I supposed to endure when my very own box is used for such nefarious purposes?! Now wait a minute…what’s this…

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Frodo seems about to do the same thing to Zulu…

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And Zulu does not look happy!

surprise zulu

Well maybe I can get used to Frodo borrowing my box sometimes if he is going to put it to such good use by terrorizing Zulu!!

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

zulusotiresom

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

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When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

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Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

i don't think so-i'm boss

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

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As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ok i give uyp

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!