Biltong is Sick

AMARULA: I know I joke a lot about the kittens, but I kinda like those dolts (after all who would I laugh at if I didn’t have those two to make fun of) and I was sad when the Human told me that Biltong (aka Billy) has been hospitalized for kidney disease.

Poor guy:

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Apparently something called his Urea and Creatine were through the roof! And he has just only turned three years old! The Human is very sad and worried. I hope the hospitalization works to make him a little better and buy him some time.

ZULU: “Do you think Biltong is going to be OK Amarula?”
AMARULA: “I sure hope so Zulu. ”

ZULU: “Can I sit beside you and look out the window while we wait for him and mom (aka the Human) to come back from the animal hospital?”
AMARULA: “Alright. Just this once I promise not to push you off.”

ama and zululooking outside

Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

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AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,”  “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

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They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

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Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.

STEP 1:

You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!

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STEP 2:

Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

lullintofalse sense of security

STEP 3:

It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

you find them where they hire

 

STEP 4:

The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar

seriously i was going to attack him but now I can't even bother

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

approach in non-threatening manner

STEP 5:

Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:

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Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
unsuspecting fool

STEP 6:

Go!! Hug attack!!!

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AND AGAIN!

 

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There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

group hug attack
STEP 7:

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Bask in your success

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Cool Cat of the Month: Lou

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AMARULA: Though clearly, in the looks department I have no feline rivals, I must admit Lou comes close. She has incredibly soft fur (if you like that sort of thing) and the grace of a ballet dancer thanks to her stumpy…I mean diminutive, stature. She was once a stray who was rescued by her slave human Eric. I took time out of my busy schedule to interview Lou:

AMARULA: How are you enjoying life with your manservant Eric?

LOU: Well, he feeds me and pets me lots, which I approve of, but he has this human female who hangs around a lot and she tends to distract him so he can’t devote every single minute of every single day to me. I am in the process of working out a deal with the neighborhood racoons to see if they can carry her off some night and deposit her in a forest somewhere. We’re still trying to iron out the details. The racoons want to be paid in pounds of garbage and I am trying to convince them to take payment in pounds of hairballs.

AMARULA: Really?!?!

LOU: No, No. I actually like Eric’s gal pal. She pets me lots and seems to accept that I will always be the prettiest female in the room!

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AMARULA: What are some of your favorite hobbies?
LOU: Well I like hiding, acting afraid of life so Eric hugs me lots, vomiting up hairballs and playing with my little yellow ducky. I am very very glad he rescued me from life as a stray!

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AMARULA: What are your future plans?
LOU: Well, frankly I am a little lonely and would love a handsome companion cat. We will see what the future holds!

Feline Deep Thought of the Day

ZULU: Sometimes, though I am generally a lighthearted cat, I…

AMARULA: Don’t you mean light headed??? Hee hee

ZULU: Quiet Amarula this is my DEEP THOUGHT!

ZULU: As I was saying, though I tend to be carefree, sometimes I can become melancholic and a dark mood overtakes me. I stop whatever I am doing and begin to wonder “What is the point of it all…”

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But then I just go looking for my brother Biltong and he hugs me and I feel all better. Hugs are the best

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You can enjoy a good hug anywhere and in any position!

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The best is when you combine a hug and a sunbeam! Pure heaven!

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Sometimes Biltong and I get so “hug-drunk” that we even try to include Amarula. Though we have to sneak up on her to give her a hug:

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Then we force our hugs on her!

 

billy ami hug

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But the hugs where we try to get Amarula involved tend to turn ugly pretty fast! I guess she just isn’t into hugs. Too bad, she doesn’t know what she’s missing!

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Time for My Human to Die

AMARULA: So dear readers, as you all know, winters in Canada are not exactly my favorite. As a cat born and raised in South Africa for most of my life, cold, snow and ice were things I thought only happened to other felines. Sadly, as much as I love Canada (these guys make the best catnip! What do they put in that stuff? I think it is heavily sprinkled with maple syrup and Canadian bacon!) I still hate the winter season! So I was very excited when spring came around again and I was raring to go outside to terrorize those pesky birds and squirrels. Or at least I was until THIS happened:

 

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My human is making me wear a bright red collar that is best described as a cross between an Elizabethan collar and a clown accessory. Can’t believe your eyes?? Here’s another look:

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Why me Lord?? Apparently this collar (which is by Birdbesafe [no affiliate link, the human just thinks they deserve a mention]) is supposed to make me more visible to songbirds and hence make it impossible for me to catch any (as if the five bells the Human already had on my collar weren’t making it impossible for me to terrorize my feathered foes!). Sadly, it does indeed seem to be working. I wait by the bird feeder but not a single bird appears!

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It is also pretty hard to be camouflaged with this thing on!!

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Even those two dunderheaded cats I am forced to share my home with seem to feel the collar makes me more “approachable” and no longer  maintain the 10 foot perimeter around my personal space I had instituted.

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The collar seems to have also had the unfortunate effect of decreasing my “street cred” with the cats in the neighborhood. No longer do they quiver in fear as I walk by! Worse, my boyfriend down the street, Charlie, took one look at me and turned away! He couldn’t even bear to look at me!!

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How can an uncollared cat like Charlie ever fall for a collared cat like me!! It’s the classic thwarted love tale of Romeow and Juliet!! Pray for me!

 

 

Nemesis of the Month: Zulu

AMARULA: Even with the weather getting nicer and me spending more time outside, the kittens still drive me crazy! Especially Zulu with his constant caterwauling and his efforts to hog the best sunbeams! So my “Nemesis of the Month” award goes to Zulu! I mean just look into those eyes! Is anyone even home??

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ZULU: Amarula I am so not amused! You didn’t even capture my good side!

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Biltong has Feline Kidney Disease

 

BILTONG: Mom noticed that I was drinking a lot of water recently so she took me to the vet to get a check-up and it turns out I have  kidney disease. I am only three years old! Mom is very sad and finds it hard to talk about cause the doctor said it was already very advanced and I must have been born with very bad kidneys. So I am sleeping a lot now and mom is giving me subcutaneous fluids every two days.

co-worker close up

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I don’t like the fluids at all and find it hard to stay still so mom can’t get a photo of me but she did take a photo of how funny I look after I get the fluids. Mom says they make me look very muscular and chesty!
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Even though I am not feeling at my best I still find the energy to chase balls with my brother Zulu:
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Even Amarula is feeling sorry for me and is letting me hang out with her!
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So send out positive vibes everyone!
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Cool Cat of the Month: Tacchino

AMARULA: Though you would never catch me dead in a bow tie, I have to say that my neighbor Tacchino looks pretty dapper!

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I took the time to interview Tacchino (I have a bit of a crush on him…at least I think he is a “him” and not a “they.” He is so fat that he could actually be two cats sharing one head. I just don’t know!)

AMARULA: What are your favorite hobbies?

TACCHINO: Eating, chewing, munching, falling asleep in my food dish and waking up in my food dish.

AMARULA: Nothing else?

TACCHINO: Well, I also like sleeping and rolling in catnip but only when those activities don’t interfere with my eating.

AMARULA: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?

TACCHINO: My humans have been speaking of putting me on this thing they call a DIEt. In preparation, I have started to teach myself how to open the kitchen cupboards and use the can opener when they aren’t around. I have also begun to steal some of the dog, Major’s, food when no one is looking. He is losing weight rapidly. The humans think he must be sick and keep taking him to the vet, which he hates. Unfortunately, while his suffering feeds my soul it does not nourish my stomach.